The day after...

I guess this is what shock does to you.  From utter shock and devastation last night and this morning, by the end of today's work day, I have transitioned into stunned numbness.  I still have no words...nothing coherent anyway.

My heart is shattered, and so is my mind. I'm left to try to pick up the shards trying to make sense of it all. When I encounter disagreements and differences, I can usually understand the other side and make some sense out of it. But this time, I couldn't wrap my mind around any of this, of the state of this country, and the future of this world.

Here are some bits and pieces of my jumbled thoughts...

• I teared up this morning listening to Hillary's concession speech. It got even more real at that moment. 

• It took every ounce of my being to get to work today. Late. Everyone in my office was somber. Audible sighs were let out throughout the day.  Some called in sick saying it was a rough night. I would have done the same if I didn't feel responsibility to be present for my team members as a manager. I would have loved nothing more than to curl up in bed and not face the world.

• I have always known I live in a liberal bubble in California. As I was following the campaigns, I have come to realize that more people than I thought supported Trump.  It was already confusing and disconcerting to begin with. I saw the steady support in the polls for Trump after each debate. And yet, at the back of my head, I thought the media was exaggerating his popularity. I also saw steady support for Hillary and so I had hope. A lot of the things Trump said in the debates made me think: "How could anyone vote for someone who's a racist, bigot, and misogynist? How could anyone vote for someone who doesn't have clarity in what he's saying aside from yelling 'it's gonna be great' ? Did he even know what he just said? Why are people still cheering?"  I started not trusting the polls either. I don't feel like i could find a source I could really trust and that could reflect reality. 

• I felt blind-sided and ignorant that I didn't grasp the amount of support for Trump outside of my bubble. I am grateful that I am surrounded by like-minded friends.  And yet, I am now realizing how limiting and dangerous it is to share similar perspectives. It also makes me question the convenience of tailored news feed and tailored results for online searches.  I am seeing only the things I am used to seeing, and that the internet is smart enough to guess what I would like to read.  When we share similar ideas, we thought the majority of us is in agreement, when there could be opportunities for more discussions earlier on.  If you search for Hillary and all the results only show you every single reason Hillary can't be trusted, you start to form your opinion around things.  If the personalization feature is turned off, would we have been able to see a lot more variety of articles that otherwise wouldn't show up on my searches?  Wouldn't we be able to form our own truer opinions by filtering information ourselves? 

• I knew a handful of people who supported Trump. I tried to understand their perspective. I couldn't. We are definitely on different wavelengths (and parallel universes). Everything seems contradictory:  

• They like Trump because he's a businessman, but his track record shows he couldn't even keep his own businesses alive, and that he scams people's money through his alleged university business-- and people think he could run America like a business and be successful in the world.

• He claims the election is rigged beforehand, and that he will not concede if he lost. Now as Hillary voters mourned the results, Trump voters are saying stop whining and accept the democratic process. No more word on the alleged rigged process.  I guess it only happens if it affected Trump. 

• On immigration: His wife is an immigrant; no talk on sending his wife back to Slovenia. Of course, it's Trump, so he's exempt from the very thing he said he would do to others.

• Through tax loopholes, Trump barely paid any taxes. With his income bracket, he should be paying a lot more taxes. How did he manage to convince the working class that he has their interest at heart and that the middle classes would be paying less taxes?  This is a guy who sits in gold-studded chairs (you may call it "thrones") in his house. 

• Aren't conservatives usually hyper-wary of Russian spies/hacks? And yet they are perfectly trusting of Trump's BFF relationship with Putin.

I can only hope that as a reality tv star, Trump was just exaggerating and pandering to get people's votes, and that once he's president, he will actually be presidential and respect the checks and balances of the country, and not overrule everything as he sees fit like a dictator.

Anger, the fire

You know the saying:  Lighting a fire under someone's ass.... to ignite something in them and spurs them into action.

I've been feeling this more and more.

A lot has been happening in the world and in life these days. A lot that has stirred strong emotions in me, and many others.

How is it that we are living in a world of such dichotomy?  Why are the views of liberalism and conservatism so extreme?  I am not sure how we are living a world where, it seems at least, 50% of the population would support and vote for someone like Trump, while a significant number of people support Bernie.  The fact that 50% of the country would support someone who constantly makes racist and sexist remarks and claim his views to be nationalistic.  50%. The people on your left and right--is that how they really feel?  If Trump is speaking for people who don't dare voice their very thoughts out loud, what does it say about our society? It is not surprising that this has generated a lot of fear and distrust in like-minded friends. Your coworker or friend could very well secretly agree with the horrific and nonsensical things that Trump has said.

And then there is Brexit, a UK referendum vote that resulted in a near 50-50 split vote.  I am not as familiar with UK politics, and split votes have happened before so it isn't exactly a new thing, but what was surprising was that voters started researching what Brexit is after they voted. Some voters were not even aware of the impact of their vote and didn't think their vote would affect the outcome like this.  What now?

With social media pervading our lives, you would think that we would be better informed through a common open forum where ideas and opinions can easily be shared.

For many years, I have tried and quite successfully lived a life of moderation, of letting go. I am pretty easy going and content with how things are.  If something does not go the way I expected, it is part of life, and I will find another option.  But contentment, as I am realizing, is quite an internalizing feeling and thought process.  Nothing comes out of it. Over the years, I have written less and less, because there is no need. Things are okay. Things are fine. I am okay and happy with how things are, with the way it is now. Breathe in breathe out. Observe the thoughts come and go. There is no need to do anything different from how things are now.  Intentionally or unintentionally, I have re-guided my emotions to equanimity.  I no longer feel the desire to write, as I no longer have strong opinions.  It is what it is. I have no desire to do anything outside of what I am already currently doing.

My husband, on the other hand, sometimes felt bad that he is always so discontent with things, especially in comparison to me. He often finds something critical that he wants to improve upon. He is never really satisfied.  He sees me and many of his friends so seemingly content, and feels alone. Why couldn't he be more happy-go-lucky like us?  And for the longest time, I couldn't understand why either. I could only empathize and wish he could find peace within himself.

But now, I am coming to a realization that discontentment is actually not that negative at all. Creativity and innovation stems of dissatisfaction of the status quo. The most creative artists agonize over their current state and somehow push birth fresh perspectives, better visions, and completely new ideas. Friction creates fire. Anger, competitiveness, pressure-- they could all potentially push us to new heights, to a level even we could not even imagine.

The simmering dissatisfaction gradually reaches a boiling point, where action must be made, voices must be heard, and only then, can real change be made.

These past few months, I have more sleepless nights than ever. My mind is just churning with thoughts. The unjust, the absurdity-- it fuels the comebacks that I often lacked when I got into the habit of letting go and my mind going blank.  Things have gone so south that I couldn't help but question so many whys. I am getting back onto the wagon of questioning and understanding. It is not enough to just say: "ok, you have a different opinion, that's cool."  In order to work together, we must understand, and to understand, we must talk and ask and listen.

We must stand for and make clear what we believe in. We need to shape and re-shape our beliefs and values and really think about what they mean for us.

We need to do something.